Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Pilates, Police Men and My Daisy Red Ryder To The Rescue!

Last night the girls came over for pilates.  The Voice of Reason is a pilates instructor, and she gives us free classes in my basement.  Aren't we special?  Yep.  We are.

After pilates, Marilyn Monroe and I went on a walk.  Quite a long walk.  Up bunches of hills.  My legs are screaming at me today, but it was worth it.  When one exercises TWICE in one day, they are clearly allowed to eat whatever they want from Taco Bell.  And this girl did :)  I had:


AND


MMMMM....TASTY :)

After I gorged on Taco Bell snacks I did some other chores.  Then, Louis and I settled in to watch some Criminal Minds episodes.  I'm obsessed.  I can't get enough of these sick, demented serial killers for some reason.  I've got problems.  Obvi.


The thing is, I'm always 100% comfortable in my house.  I feel safe, and I don't think twice about it.  I'm a fanatic about locking the doors, etc.  And so last night, while I was watching a slasher-type serial killer on Criminal Minds, I was convinced someone was breaking into my house.  I WAS CONVINCED.  Louis was too.  He was barking up a storm and growling at the front door.  I thought I heard someone rattle the front door knob.  It was awful. 

I immediately ran to the basement to get my gun.  Yes, I have a gun.  Well, it's a Daisy Red Ryder BB Gun, but that sucker can pump out some BBs like nobody's business.  And they hurt.  At least the squirrels think so.  JUST KIDDING.

Anyway, I ran down and got my gun.  Why a BB gun?  It's better than a knife.  I would rather not get THAT close to an intruder.  Also, if the intruder is really dumb they may mistake the BB gun for a rifle?  Maybe?  Last resort, I can always haul off and crack them in the head with it.  I've got a pretty good arm.

I jump out of the basement door into the hallway. I squat low an move my rifle BB gun back and forth.  I am tempted to shout "clear", but I remember I only watch Criminal Minds.  I'm not on the damn show.  Louis is wound up tighter than a top, and he's crouched down walking close to the ground.  He's growling low and steady.  Me and my pup.  Ready to take on a serial killer. 

Two hours later we had "cleared" every room in the house.  Nothing appeared disturbed.  For some reason, though, neither of us could calm down.  We kept hearing creaks and cracks on the stairs (I have a really old house), and each time we did we would both jump.  It was horrible.  Whatever would we do?

How about watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey?  That's always good for a laugh!  Only.....not this time.  It actually made me want to be sick to my stomach:(  And Louis couldn't stop barking at Teresa.  And I really can't blame him. 



So...

We went to bed.  We took my gun, and we went to bed.  And I read a book until 2am. 

Damn Criminal Minds

I think I need to date a police officer. 

Surely I would feel safe then, AND be able to watch my favorite TV show? 

Hmmm.....

T

19 comments:

The Fabulous Life of a Southern Belle said...

OMG rhnj reunion was WILD last night. Love it! xoxo

Kim Reese said...

You are too funny!!! As for a policeman, I wouldn't advise it. Then you'd be up worrying about him AND your ghost intruder! ;)

AtlYankeeBelle said...

wow! thats a brill idea having a BB gun! I think I might have to invest in one of those

Through Rose Colored Glasses said...

OMG! this post made me laugh out loud. The knife vs. the bee bee gun paragraph! classic

Little Miss Can't Be Wrong said...

i am criminal minds OBSESSED (we would totally be BFF in real life!)!! detectives morgan and reed make my heart go pitter patter!!

MCW said...

I need to watch the reunion!
I have a hard time watching L&O SVU. Half the time the crimes take place a few blocks from my hood...
And Taco Bell. Yumm. Yumm. Yumm.

Ann said...

I just had to laugh when you said "me and my pup, ready to take on a serial killer." I pictured me and Duke every time his bark alarm goes off...lol
I like criminal minds too, maybe westie people and criminal minds just goes together

Elizabeth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elizabeth said...

Haha! Been there, done that, complete with little pup - I mean guard dog - in tow. Even though I, like you, am a door-locking fanatic, there will be some nights where I check all the closets in the house and peek under guest bed. Just in case.

Caroline said...

I think I've seen one episode of Criminal Minds, and it completely scared the bejeezus out of me. Beyond crazy stuff. And I am jealous of the Taco Bell. I seriously contemplated their quesadillas for dinner tonight...

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh I had a horrible hearing sounds holding my phone ready to call 911 night last night too! Only I dont have a gun. I need to look into if bb guns are legal in Canada. Hm. You are hilarious!

Tiffany and the Munchkins said...

OMG I am laughing so hard that my stomach hurts! Oh and I'm not laughing AT you. I'm laughing because I know exactly what you mean. I get super paranoid when I'm home alone at night, especially if I'm watching Criminal Minds or some other show like that. I too am addicted to them so you aren't alone there. You're such a fantastic storyteller. :)

garden state prep said...

I love Criminal Minds but can only watch it during the daylight hours. Silly? Probably. I used to watch it at night but every little noise would send me into a panic.

Miss Sweet Tea said...

I can not watch Criminal Minds when I'm alone...I love the show, but it is too creepy for nighttime viewing! And when I do watch it, I have to watch about 6 hours of comedy or something else that distracts me from the creepiness.

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