I Almost Died Last Night

I am allergic to Yellow Jackets.  As in anaphylactic shock allergic.  I discovered this a few years ago.  They had to cut my leg wide open in the ER to get the stingers out.  To get my body to stop reacting.  So I could breathe.

I hate being allergic to Yellow Jackets.  I hate being unable to do something because I am afraid.

I mow my own grass.  I weed my own beds.  Nothing exceptionally risky.  I haven't decided to take up bee handling.  Or Yellow Jacket handling.  I just want to have a yard that looks nice. 

Is that asking too much? 

Yesterday evening I rushed home to mow the grass.  The two front beds have gotten a bit out of control, so I began weeding.  I realized that the 2 piles of weeds were too large to simply mow over, so I started around the side of the house to get the garbage can. 

And that's when I heard it.  This awful, nasty, creepy, mean, sinful, devilish buzzing.  I do believe a Yellow Jacket has a different buzz.  One that is unlike a bee or a wasp.  It's as if Yellow Jackets have a chip on their shoulders (wings?), and are mad at the world.  And last night, "the world" was me.  And the little _____er stung me.  And then he attached himself to my shorts.  And that is t-r-o-u-b-l-e for this girl. 

And so, I did what anyone in my position would do.  I ripped off my shorts.  In broad daylight.  In my driveway.  And do you know what?  I didn't even care.  (it had nothing to do with the fact that i was wearing my cute new lacy underwear from victoria's secret.  i would have done it regardless. but...at least the neighbors think i have pretty underwear!)  I also screamed bloody murder, which drew quite a crowd. 

My neighbors know about my allergy.  They had some idea of what had happened when they saw huge piles of weeds in the front yard, a pair of these sticking up out of the grass:

It was determined that my Epi Pen, although expired, would still be a good idea. 

And so I jammed it into my thigh, and hoped for the best.  And then I found two cans of this:

And I marched around the house telling myself that I was going to KILL THEM ALL!  I was a little bit crazy pants, but understandable....No? 

I should also mention that I ate a handful of Benadryl.  I couldn't breathe, and I wasn't sure if I needed to have a neighbor take me to the hospital.  It was determined that I was probably just working myself up to the point that I couldn't breathe, and that one Yellow Jacket sting probably wasn't causing the throat tightening I was convinced I was experiencing. 

I took the Benadryl just to be safe.

Louis, bless his little heart, kept ringing his bell to tell me that he had to potty.  But I couldn't go outside.  I even tried the basement door downstairs.  And guess what?  THERE WAS A YELLOW JACKET'S NEXT IN THE DOOR JAM ON THE OUTSIDE!   Are you freaking kidding me? 

The Yellow Jacket that stung me apparently sent out a memo to the other _____ers.  And they were all swarming madly around my front door and my side door.  I was pacing.  Louis was crossing his legs.  I didn't know what to do. 

And then I figured that since I had given myself the shot, I could probably make a run for it and be okay.  Even if I was stung again.  And Louis had to peep.  And so....

I picked up Louis and charged out the front door.

TEN said he would kill the Yellow Jackets with the Magic Potion (aka yellow jacket foam killer such and such).  I told him that I wanted to do it.  I NEEDED to do it. 

And so, when the sun went down, I did it.  I foamed them to death. 

(this is pretty much how i looked last night when i took my revenge)

I found a few holes in the ground and foamed them to death too.  I did not, however, do anything in the front beds.  I'm going to leave that to TEN.  I may have been mad as hell, but I don't have a death wish.

And so, my loves, that is the story of how I almost died last night.  But, instead I look a bit like this:

Does anyone know why Yellow Jackets exist?  I know bees pollinate flowers and vegetables.  But what do Yellow Jackets do? Other than sting me, of course.  I really would like to know.

T