Tuesday, October 5, 2010

An Open Letter to Gossip Girl

Dear Gossip Girl,

I have watched you since the beginning.  I have been a loyal fan.  I have "oooohh'd and ahhhh'd" every step of the way.  I have coveted Blair's outfits and hair bows, and I have secretly wanted to date an overbearing slimy a$$hole like Chuck.  I've done it all.

And now...

I'm over you.

Let me explain.

When Chuck was shot at the end of last year's season I screamed out loud.  And then during the first show of the season he was rescued by this sissy britches Eva...PLEASE!  She is B-O-R-I-N-G.  Girls like her are a dime a dozen in NYC.  Maybe not on the Upper East Side, but they are there.  Trust me.  She is nothing special.  Well, she is apparently a prostitute...which does make her different, but not really special.

But I digress.

Could you have at least made us wonder for a show or two?  Couldn't you have made us beg to know if he was alive?  Couldn't you have given this story line 10 minutes of your time?  Because, my friend, what you have done is not working.  Chuck is now sleepy.  Chuck is only exciting when he is being a scoundrel.  Don't you understand this equation, dear Gossip Girl?  Don't you know that too many nice boys on TV shows get you nowhere?  You already have Nate.


Are you really this naive and dense?  How can a breathtakingly beautiful Vanderbilt be so dumb?  I'm actually looking forward to this Juliet psycho trampling your heart.  Maybe this time you will actually get a clue?  Probably not, but here's to hoping.

Serena.  I would like the show so much more if she would go away.  Permanently.  I am so tired of hearing the following (said in a whiney Serena voice):

"I'm sorry..I just can't tell you what is going on."
"I'm sorry...I have to go.  It's something important.  But I can't tell you about it."
"I really want to tell you how I feel, but....."

Get over yourself girl.  You are beautiful, I'll give you that. 

But, that's about it.  You aren't even interesting.  You are weak.  You are needy.  I'm so excited that currently Sleepy Dumb Nate and Weirdo Dan want nothing to do with you.  FINALLY!  Why don't you call Carter Baizen.  The two of you can run off to some obscure country to search for other missing people like your slime ball father.  Who, by the way, you treated better than all of the people who have supported you your whole life. 

Dan.  Dan, Dan, Dan.  You used to be my favorite.  You were someone I could relate to.  Someone I admired. 

But I think you hung around with Serena for too long.  You no longer know how to form sentences that make sense.  You can't express yourself either.  This may be a problem for a writer...you think?  You are way too smart to have believed for one minute that Georgina's baby was yours without your own paternity test.  These people you are hanging out with are turning your brain to mush.  Please step away from the group Dan.  Step away. 

Vanessa.  Run.  That's all I can say sister.  Run like the wind.

Rufus & Lilly.  Who?  Oh sorry...I think I fell asleep for a minute.

Silly Blair.  I covet your frocks.  And hair bows.  And shoes.  And bags. 

That being said, you have treated Chuck like crap.  Just as he has you.  Who cares that he sold you for the hotel?  Like you haven't done things just as bad!  Quit trying to pretend like you are over him.  Clearly you are not.  You've gone and set up the poor, sleepy, boring prostitute to get rid of her...but still insist you do not want Chuck.  Girl, you are as transparent as Saran Wrap.  Let me tell you what is going to happen.  About 1/2 way through the season you are going to decide that you DO want Chuck, and at that point he is going to want nothing to do with you.  And you will mope around and whine and cry for the rest of the season.  AND THEN...in the last episode Chuck will decide that he wants to be with you.  That he loves you.  More than life itself.  But you will then have a hissy fit and decide that you do not want to be with him.  And this will go on.  And on.  And on.  Your relationship with Chuck will be much like your relationship with Serena.  One day it's all roses and sunshine.  The next day you are driving daggers into their backs.  At some point they are going to tire of you for good.  You do understand this, correct?

Jenny & Eric.  Where have you gone? 

Could I interest you in returning to replace Serena and Nate?  Please, oh pretty please....



Unknown said...

Well said, well said.

mrs.mfc said...

:) Glad you decided to post it!

Whitney and the Preppy Puppies said...

:-) All very true, but I can't stop watching. Though I admit I have been forwarding through the Dan parts. I've not liked him from the beginning. I keep hoping Chuck is going to go back to being my favorite mother chucker.

the Hard Way said...

"Girl, you are as transparent as Saran Wrap."

I LOVE this. Laughed out loud, literally :p

Anonymous said...

I agree with you! GG used to be my guilty-pleasure on Monday nights but now I can barely get through the whole hour.